A while back I wrote about a weekly photoblog… and kind of promised it to a new local magazine… Well I changed my mind about doing it for them, and would rather keep it on here.. with photos.  I know atleast here - you guys kinda “get” me.. haha

I wrote this a while back and Kemari did take some pics with her phone, but since I didn’t really need them I think they have been lost in cell phone wonderland. I promise the next one will have photos

I still want to do the “My first tattoo in Phoenix” photoblog.. any of you locals that want to come out and share the ink… let me know.  Let’s make a day of it.. take lots of pics… and blog our hearts out.

(you guys actually like the “shits” and “fucks” so I might just bring them back for you  )

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I’ve been in the beautiful city of  Phoenix for almost three months now, and I have yet to venture out.  Moving from Nowhere,

Oklahoma, I have yet to experience some of the things the locals consider everyday life.  So, I have decided that I should document these experiences for you.  I am sure you are very concerned on how people view your incredible city, and would wait impatiently for my next adventure out… IN THE BIG CITY…

I knew today was going to be special.  I have had this target in mind for several weeks now.  Not that it’s a particularly BIG deal; it’s just that I have been the Queen of Procrastination lately.  I have been milling over the idea of visiting Starbucks for some time.  We have Starbucks in Oklahoma… not in my home town, but I could definitely find one in

Oklahoma City, if I were there doing some shopping.  I wasn’t really sure I wanted to go.  I mean I didn’t want to buy into this potentially expensive trend, but I had to have something to write about… and visiting the exotic dancers at Christie’s Cabaret didn’t sound like something I wanted to attempt with baby in tow… yet.

 

Of course I waited until almost time to pick the kid up from school before I decided to head that way.  A good friend came along, and we headed to the Starbucks on Thunderbird and

43^rd  Ave.

  Every time I drive by that place, there is an endless line of cars.  We were a little behind, but decided to run in and grab a cup of Joe.

 

Getting out of the car, I noticed a woman carrying a clear cup of frozen goodness topped happily with whipped cream, and I immediately began to salivate.  I was stopped short when I noticed a small person following her with a similar drink. 

What was this?  Could this be a genetically engineered adult… one that keeps his childlike appearance way longer than most?  This couldn’t be an actual child.  I mean, who would give a child a large cup of caffeine loaded to the max with sugar.  The kid had to be about eight years old; the same age as my son.  There is no way in HELL I would ever let my kid touch that stuff.  I strongly feel that would require an exorcism.  Maybe this is something people do in the BIG CITY.

 

Still in shock, I walked through the door, and immediately the smell was intoxicating.  With hearts in my eyes, I scanned the place for something I could pick apart… I got nothing.  The place was clean and neat and practically sparkling.  I made my way to the line with baby on my hip and my best friend at my side.  She had been there before, and was hip to their crazy coffee lingo.  My eyes glazed over as I spotted the menu… was that stuff coffee?

 

“What do you want?” She said.

I looked at her all crazy like, “I want something frozen… what’s frozen?”  She began to mumble something… I am not sure if it’s coffee; it kind of resembled a foreign language.  So don’t ask me what she ordered, cause I don’t have a clue.  I looked to my right and there were these crazy pastries… HUGE.  Cookies bigger than my head; cakes… oh man rice crispy crunchies.  How can these people not be incredibly fat?  I did a quick scan again of the lobby, and there was only one person who I would consider gravity-challenged.  I was probably the fattest person in there… and I ordered a thousand calorie drink and a delicious pumpkin scone the size of my nineteen month old child… and I ate it all.

 

Damn you, Starbucks!! Damn you and your incredibly addictive sugary goodness.  I don’t know why I wanted you to see me crash like this.  I already know what I am ordering next time I go… and the next… and the next.  Do you think if I worked there, I could get my frozen stuff for free?… cheap?

~2

side note… since writing this article, I think I have been close to a dozen times.  I am considering an auto deduct… do they deliver?

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Well I made it back from Oklahoma, and it’s like starting all over again with these damn stairs.  My mother is good at loading me and kids down with all kinds of junk, and damn I am feeling sooooooo fat (fatter).

I was going through some of my writing, and found an old post I did for the doodle a while back (www.thebluedoodle.com), and I thought it could help me out in these fat times.  Thanksgiving and Christmas is right around the corner… and I won’t even have all my Halloween candy eaten before that shit gets here. SO, I am pulling out my sure fire weightloss plan, and getting back into shape before that New Years party gets here, cause I want to flaunt less flab and more FLARE!!

2mara’s Weight loss Plan 

 

Being of the fairer sex, I am constantly trying some sort of diet to try to make my appearance more pleasing.  I have tried them all with the exception of that cabbage diet… bleah, to no avail.   

I have taken this and that diet pill, even tried the Hollywood Diet.  My problem is I love food.  If it didn’t taste so damn good of course I could lose weight.  I have said for some time, that if there was some sort of pill I could take that would make all food taste awful – that would be my only chance for a successful weight loss plan… until now. 

In a time of all Atkins, South beach, and a handful of other diets, I have brilliantly designed my own.  It may seem like another one of my “Get Rich Quick” ideas, but this diet actually works.  I have been practicing it for some time with great success. Who wouldn’t love to eat anything they want… no exceptions.  You want chocolate?  It’s not excluded from my diet.  You want ice cream for breakfast? Good… I love ice cream, and I can have it on my carefully created meal plan. 

I know, I know you are curious as to what I have to offer you.  You’re excited to learn my cure for this nasty disease known as fatty McFat-Fat. I know you are skeptical… “I can eat WHATEVER I want… WHENEVER I want it?”  My answer to you is… YES you can. 

You don’t have to follow a calculated approach of counting calories or fat grams.  You don’t have to measure serving sizes.  You don’t even have to follow the food pyramid. The only thing that is required is a full length mirror in which to view your results… toss the scale.  You don’t need it!   

So… are you ready to find out my secret approach to weight loss?  Are you ready to learn the tricks of having that thin, remarkable body you’ve always wanted? 

I am now going to share with you my secret of weight loss success… it is my proven patented formula.  Any time I feel the need to eat something, anything at all… all I have to do is remove all my clothing… step or sit in front of that full length mirror, and try to eat whatever it is I thought I wanted to begin with. 

Guaranteed to lose… 

~2 

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