I am having the best day ever! I am so serious. Those of you that KNOW me know that I am totally in love with Mike Patton… ANYthing Mike Patton.  He is a FUCKING GOD!!!! ANYway… I just happen to be messing around on here the other day and what do I notice?…??

PEEPING TOM!!! Mike Patton again teasing me with his genius. SO, the cd came out Tuesday, and I had a chaotic day… funeral in the morning, trip to OKC with my fanatic mom, and a house full of old relatives who weird me out, so I didn’t get it. I wasn’t too sad, because I have been pretty busy.

I was thinking.. I know.. weird, huh? Maybe I should drive on over to our local wal-mart with my fingers crossed and see if by some weird CHANCE IN HELL!!!! they had my beloved Mike and his Peeping Tom. 

I loaded up kids, who are really annoying me today, into my 120 degree truck and trek across town.  School is out here, so the place is really happening… it’s like the local hangout here in “White Trash America”. ANYhoo, I get in the store and we dart straight back to electronics, and I am still pretty sure Wal-mart is going to fall through. I mean, besides me, I don’t think anyone here in Elk knows what this BEAUTIFUL man is capable of.

I lose one kid… fuck it… he’ll come ’round when he gets hungry or wants money. I don’t have time for a anxiety attack… I am on a mission. 

Brynn and I wheel over some youngin’s in our cart, and I madly begin to thumb through the “P”s… what’s this?

FUCKIN’ JACKPOT!

I grab it and jump up and down… fist it into the air with ALL my glory. Yeah I probably did a little jig too - I think I may have blacked out for a minute
“YES!!!!!!!” and “MINE!!!!” where uttered, more like a battle cry.

The rest of the trip was a blur… I bought some paint.. and some other totally MEANINGLESS neccessities. But today… I am content.

The have a page set up here on myspace Peeping Tom, but earlier the songs weren’t working… I want to pimp Ipecac Recordings = Peeping Tom actually the whole site is pretty awesome. 

Oh another thing I have to add… I got it at wal-mart… and it says “sukka” and “mutha fukka”… after my own heart… I know.

SO anyway.. I was excited and I had to share

*** shit, I forgot to mention licking the jewel box in wal-mart electronics dept***

I am such a weirdo

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Well I pimped it, so I have to come through. A picture blog.

Gabe is looking so raggedy I wanted to buzz him for the summer, but he insists on a mohawk, much to mine and dad’s chagrin.  BUT since dad is gone until Friday, I thought it would be ok to grant his ONE wish, with the small disclaimer that it will ALL be shaved off next week.

*notice the unfinished bathroom… story of my house*

So I grabbed my clippers and put on my “badASS” mask

make him meet me in the bathroom with the trash can… I am really not sure when the last time this kid had a bath either… stinky boy!! I start slowly so I don’t accidently cut off an ear or anything

He HAMS it up.. kinda fem really… not sure where he gets that

a few minutes later he’s ready to hit the shower and wash off the week old funk… boys are nasty

It’s not so strange to see why the haircut makes the man

well.. I am sure it wasn’t worth the wait.. but he liked posing for the piccys
~2

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Well those that know me.. may have noticed I wasn’t online much last night. Well the early evening anyway.  I was working.  Holy shit!! I know.  I always say, “Work is for SUKKAs!” and it is OH SO true.  I wouldn’t really consider it working… more like helping someone out for some extra cash… so work is still for SUKKAs…seriously.

You may all think I am extremely lazy… no job.  I am living it up!  Yeah, myspacing it during the day… awesome superHero at night.  Notice the glasses; typical superhero disguise. Oh yeah, myspacing it at night too.  I’m an addict, I will admit.  DAMN YOU ALANA!!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!

ANYway, I wasn’t always the outstanding citizen you know and love today.  I use to work all the time… I know it’s hard to believe.  I have worked a strange array of jobs also… I am a Jack of All Trades.  I want to talk about one very lame job in particular so I can give you an idea about how my work night went last night:

I moved back to Oklahoma in ‘97, mainly because I was pregnant and wanted to be close to family and I really wanted to go back to school ( I don’t know why).  At that time I was working for a law firm in Denver, Colorado… mainly doing their billing, but also lame office stuff. I loaded my car up with my finest possesions (cds, comics, and a sugar glider named Francis) and drove the 12  hours home… alone.  I left my son’s dad, for various reasons.  We had been together for quite some time (we moved to CO from OKC… BIG mistake), but we definitely didn’t have the same views on having a kid.  There is no way I would marry him after that.. I firmly believe in NOT marrying someone JUST because you’re pregnant.  I would actually drop off the face of the planet before I would do such a thing. ANYway… I drive home, and my mom is assistant manager at this steak house in Elk and makes me go to work for her.  Oh yeah.. so much fun.  I worked there 7 years… haha. I also lived with her… and I don’t EVER suggest moving BACK in with your parents after you have tasted the freedom of living on your own.  It’s like living in a mental hospital without the good drugs.

I did everything in the restaurant… line, waitstaff, food prep, grill cook…  I get bored easily so I had to change it up.  The best, and of course where I made the most money, was waiting tables.  I will brag and say I am good at it.  I can kiss some major ass, and that makes a good waitress. AND I can be nice to anyone… I am so damn friendily; I can’t even help it.  You know you like me… haha you do don’t you? HAHA… told you I am good like that!

So… yeah I waited tables… at a steak house.  With Elk City’s finest citizens coming in to take advantage of the all-you-can-eat-buffet.  Not my finest moments.  You get used to taking shit from so many people, and when you have a fucked up name like mine you take MORE than everyone else.  I have heard all the jokes… everynight.  People think they are so fucking witty when they can come up with that shit… I just laugh it off.. “Yes, my sister, Yesterday, is at home”… whatever. I made great money, but I had to work my ass off for it.  You put up with people’s shitty attitudes, those looking to get something for nothing, and those people who actually smell like ASS.  My most favorite are the people who think they are so much better than you, and it’s usually the women… imagine that… catty bitches.

I would try not to let that shit get to me.  I don’t care what your husband does for a living, how much money you have, or how awesome you think YOU are.  I know for a fact that I am probably more educated and definitely a better person…

SO last night… I am really not sure what I am doing.  My aunt called me a week or two ago and asked me if I would want to help her out.. something about making burgers and cleaning up at this party. I said sure.  I really needed to get out of the house and making some extra cash… support my porn addiction. SO, yesterday we load up and drive to this place in the middle of nowhere, western Oklahoma.  We arrive and it’s a 50 year highschool reunion dinner for a small town. The woman in charge of the whole thing is the wife of the assistant DA.  He used to be either a congressman or a representative for the area… I can’t really remember.  His ex wife (now deceased) was one of my 6th grade teachers.  His NEW wife is something else. We get there… she calls me Laura… yeah I am a fast talker I guess she got confused. She points, barks, and we jump.  All evening I am taking orders like a fucking dog… it really started to wear on me. OK maybe she was better than me… she was an attorney, and I am not.  She has lots of money… and of course I don’t.  Her husband is awesome, super nice, and charming.  WTF was he thinking?

The whole time I am there smiling and walking the motions… I am thinking about why I quit at the steak house when I finished school, and how I could let this happen again. A mindless drone, smiling and nodding pretending to be interested in people’s uninteresting lives.  I need something else.

I am open to suggestions here.  I always wanted to be a rockstar, actually I play one in the shower… I can play a badASS triangle. FUCK IT!!! Work is still for SUKKAs

~2

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***written for the draw:  Fulsome*** 

It Would be OH SO Nice

Every time I see your face my stomach turns

My eyes roll and I look away in disgust

That shirt… the way you comb your hair

Makes me want to vomit on your shoes

Every time you open your mouth garbage spews

Rotting flesh and soured milk

I can’t stand the sound of your voice

Your lack of imagination

Your misplaced wit and spoiled integrity

Don’t talk to me

Every time you walk by I grind my teeth

It takes all that I am to bite my tongue and be civil

To not blurt out extreme malevolence

To look away and smile and try to think a happy thought

A life without you in it

~2

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***written for the draw:  “I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on Television” - Gore Vidal (1925)***

A Moment Ruined

From the floor I can see the flicker of the television in your eyes.  I stare at you sitting in the chair, and you are completely oblivious to me.  My gaze never breaks, yet you stare mindlessly into the tube… fixated.  Crawling on all fours, I make my way over to you. You don’t even flinch as I rest my chin on your knee. 

Wow, what is so awe-inspiring that you don’t notice me here?  My head practically in your lap, awaiting your command like an obedient dog.  The strange buzz of the speakers drone on and I never lose my focus on you.  My gaze travels from your eyes, down your chest, and to the button at the top of your jeans… wetting my lips, my head dances with visions of you.  Would you even notice if I unbuttoned them?  Would you be so numb to my touch that you wouldn’t feel my hand slide up your thigh, across your flaccid friend, to undo your zipper?  Would my hand be inviting… or my soft lips… or my warm tongue?  Would you allow me to take all of you for my own?

I guess you’ll never know.  The look on your face resembles that of a wax replica, as you stare into that box. I stand up and mouth “goodnight,” walk quietly out of the room, and take refuge under my covers.  Into my dreams I head, where I will be welcomed with open arms, unbreakable glances, and be the center of attention… someone else’s “movie star”.

~2

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**********************WARNING*********************************

*******PALE AND POSSIBLY SUPER FRECKLY SKIN BELOW**************

***PLEASE WEAR SUNGLASSES OR OTHER PROTECTIVE EYEWEAR WHILE VIEWING********************************************************

I spent over an hour working on this damn picture blog… and I hit something on my laptop and lost it all… DAMMIT!!!

Back to square one.  This last week in Oklahoma, they passed a law legalizing tattooing.  We are the very last state to do that, and I blame it all for being smack dab in the middle of the bible belt.  Our elders will probably blame this on the lottery turning everyone into gamblers… and then the porn (wich is still illegal, soft-core is ok) we must have gotten from Texas.

I love tattoos… I think inked skin is SUPER sexy, and I would cover myself head-to-toe if I thought I could get away with it.  Sadly, I have strategically placed my tattoos in coverable postitions throughout my body… and no they aren’t on any too private of parts to show (if there is such a thing).

So, I thought I would try a picture blog… my first, and give you a chance to appreciate them as much as I do.  Each tattoo that I have has a special meaning to me, and all are just black… so your not going to see anything too exciting here.. just a bit O’skin and a lil’ ink.

This is my first tattoo.  I got it when I was 19 years old, before I started college… I was planning to go into anthropology/archaeology and this was a true love of my life… Egyptology.  This is the eye of Horus, the son of the Egyptian god Osiris and sister/wife Isis… now I could go on about this all day, but basically it guard against the evil eye, if you will.  I had it inked in Arlington Texas, and I can’t even remember the name of the place.  I had it picked out waaaay in advance, but it was originally suppose to be placed on my back, right shoulder blade.  Since it almost cost double to get it there… I opted for the inside of my left forearm.  When I walk, it looks as though I have an eye on the back of my arm… watching my back.

Next is my Winged Horus.  This was placed over the entrance of buildings in ancient Egypt to keep out evil.

I was 22 when I got this, in Denver Colorado.  It was a mother’s day present from my son’s father (I know that sounds so lame).  A chick actually inked it, I think her name was Alisha.  I was just siiting on her table with my shirt over my head… she went over it like 3 times, and it really stung right there over my spine.  When she would lift the needle off my back my leg would kick out… it was so embarassing.

Number 3 I got in Amarillo Texas.  It’s a little over 2 hours from my house, and I went with my BFF at the time Roy.  I told, Scott, my tattoo dude, that I wanted an ivy, and he free handed it for me.  I didn’t want flowers, and I didn’t want color, and I was really pleased with how pretty it was.  It’s about 2 to 3 inches from my left ankle. Roy told me it was about time I started acting girlie… WTF does that mean?.. bleah

Number 4 could easily be my favorite, and I have several pictures I want to post of it.  Thanks to Gabe for taking the ones so far… he’s not too bad for 8, and he thinks my tattoos are supercool, and he also thinks I’m awesome (haha).

Here I am under the gun…yeah don’t let the smile fool you.  You’d be surprised all the nerves on the inside of your arm… I actually had shooting pains into my other shoulder from that.

here I’m just taking a break… Scott’s a fucking smoker.. bleah.

this is the day after and it’s still a bit swollen.

I really loved this one, but I kind of screwed it up a bit.  It was the winter months here, and I did my best to keep it well gooped.  I was living with my mom at the time, and her house is really old, and it is heated by a floor furnace downstairs.  I slept upstairs with lots of blankets and plenty layers.  The second night home, I gooped my new tat up better than usual, and then layered thermal underwear under a sweatshirt.  When I woke up in the morning, my thermals were stuck to my newly inked skin.  I had to soak in the tub to help unstick it.  When I finally got the thermals off, a couple layers of flesh came off with it.  So… it got a bit infected and I have a bit of scarring, but it’s not too bad.. just on the front of my arm.  I will get it touched up one day.

So… Last one

Me and my sister made another trip to Amarillo to get this chinese symbol for “sister” on the back of our necks.  Scott again did it, and we were in and out of there really fast.  We then stopped at the Big Texan to try our luck at a free 72 oz steak, but we were chickenshit… and didn’t dare try to order it.

I didn’t get the facial tats from a shop.. some cosmetologist lady did it here, before she got in trouble for prescription meds (I think)… my eyeliner is my favorite, but the lip liner is really light, and hardly noticeable.

SO… there you have it.  I can’t get a tattoo in Oklahoma until November I think, but I have to get one… it’s only right.  Anyone want to come up and get one too? We could blog about it

~2

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I’m a Hypocritical Mom

I eat cookies for breakfast because I am MOM!!!
when you grow up you can have them too, but right now I am boss
and I say “NO!  You can’t have cookies for breakfast!”

I play on the computer whenever I want beacuse I am MOM!!!
You can play when you’re done with schoolwork, chores, and anything else I want you to do, because I said, that’s why!
besides, “Staring at that computer all the time will ruin your eyes and rot your brain!”

I know you don’t want a nap, but I am tired, and you’re taking one!  I am MOM!!! “What I say goes, boy, get to bed and get still!”

When I speak you WILL listen, because I am MOM… or feel my wrath as I roar and fling my shoe in your general direction.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

for all you muthas, muthaFukkas, muthaLovas, and wannabees:

Kiss a Mom Day is everyday… not just when Hallmark tells you it is!

So pucker up and lay one on me! mmmmmmwwwwwwwwwaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!

~2

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***written for the draw:  an actual map piece*** 

Fear the Shark’s Bite

Burying my feet in the warm, white sand I wait for you on the shore. The clear blue water is so inviting yet so terrifying I can only push myself to its foamy edge; not daring to go past my ankles.  You are so far out in the water; floating in the most beautiful liquid crystal.  All I can do is stare - watching you perform like an Olympic athlete.  Our differences so concrete, separated by a vast amount of flowing uncertainness.

~2

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Homework

Placing my trusty model 917 number 2 pencil in flight
I write
at night and by day
where the words play with my mind

Gazing at my book with a hard look
not a stare
gasping for air - I pull my hair

and scream…

~2

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Being a parent has some great rewards.  The first smile of your darling little one’s face, and that first laugh… make up for sleep walking through late night diaper changes and bottle feedings. The first time he pulls up on a chair you’re there with camera in hand, ready to capture this AMAZING feat.  Those of you who are parents know what I am talking about, and those of you who have yet to expirence this… should probably stop here…. because it “ain’t all shitz-n-giggles”.

I have spent my whole life in and around situations I would rather not relive… sadly my son is going to grow up just like me, and I am doomed to wear a paperbag over my head… because everyone knows I’m his mom. 

I nipped part of the problem when we chose to take him out of public school and homeschool him.  This elimated daily calls from the school and unwanted trips to retrieve him from the principal’s office.  Our big fear of taking him out was the socialization factor, but he had several friends in our neighborhood he could play with in the evenings, so I wasn’t really concerned.  Now I am even less worried about that… it’s not uncommon for me to look into my backyard and see about 10 kids jumping on my trampoline.  In fact he has become one of the most popular kids in the neighborhood. He’s pretty outgoing so I didn’t question it at all… until the other day.

My good friend calls me to chat, and we are just going on about lame everday junk. Then, out of the blue she says that her aunt told her something she wanted to ask me about.  Her aunt lives on the corner down the street from my house.  Her grandkids have been in my backyard a time or two, and she owns several house around here that she rents out. Then my friend really gets my interest by saying, “There is a rumor around your neighborhood.” I am curious so naturally I ask her what it is.  She goes on, “My aunt said she heard that your house is the place to go if you want stuff.”

Time stood still as my mouth dropped open.  Visions swam through my head… All of a sudden I see Gabe peddling down the street on his bike.  Pockets stuffed full of vials of god-knows-what.  Wearing a backpack filled with lick’em-stick’em ACID tattoos, hash brownies, and a transformer bong.  My stomach dropped… I mean he’s eight… running shit in my neighborhood.  That little bastard is going to be grounded for the rest of his life.  I was in shock. So, my first reaction always - was to question the comment, “what?.. stuff?”

She continues,”Yeah like toys and games.” I died and gone to humilation… again… Then I remember, a few days ealier he and an accomplice, which will remain unnamed, were gathering up stuff to sale.  They had put it in a little tub… and I didn’t find out until later, when my sister spotted them, that they were going door-to-door trying to sell the collected stuff to my neighbors.  I am really not sure what is worse… the drugs or his junk.  Either way I am afraid to leave my house for all the pointing and snickering amongst the neighbors.

MORAL OF THE STORY:  condoms not only prevent STDs they also keep away unwanted humilation and responsibility.

end note:  I love the little guy to death.. and I am sure one day I could make lots of money writing a book about it, but right now I wish I could crawl in a hole.

The End

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